Before I joined the Unification Church, I had many problems that I felt were unsolvable. So when these problems were solved after entering the church, my joy was inexpressible. I was so elated that I felt if I pursued this path I would easily be saved and go to heaven. In the early years of the church, Rev. Moon always emphasized in his sermons that unless one understood the heart of God, one could not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I was told that in order to fathom God's heart, one must shed many tears. During the entire 6,000 years since humankind fell away from God, there has not been one moment when God did not feel grief. So, one must often melt in tears when one is together with such a God. Moreover, one needs to grieve with a compassionate heart for all created things. Although it seems there is nothing significantly wrong in creation because we "see" with the blind eyes of fallen men, here on earth all things are groaning in pain. To discover such a reality would bring one to tears.

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I then saw a vision of Jesus going the way of crucifixion. Immediately I recalled the accounts of Jesus which I had heard from Rev. Moon, and again I melted into tears. Jesus came to earth as the Savior, the Messiah. He whom all the earth was to excitedly welcome was rejected in his lifetime. His family neglected him, the leaders of the Jewish religion opposed him. and the Jewish people disassociated themselves from him. Finally, he had nowhere to go. He was alone, a solitary figure for 33 years, with no one to rely upon for understanding. Yet he had the deepest feelings of love for his people. If he saw a cloud floating in the sky, he would say, "Cloud in heaven, please understand my suffering heart." Or speaking to the trees, he would say, "Who can know this anguish of mine? You know it!" Whether wandering along the coast of Galilee, or speaking to a Samaritan woman, he must have led a very lonely life. In the early years of the church, Rev. Moon gave this kind of a sermon about Jesus, crying during the entire talk.

When I saw this scene of Jesus I could not keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. It was clear how painfully hard the path of the Messiah was.

The scene was changed again. A man was creeping up a rocky mountainside which appeared to be like a steep precipice. As he slipped down and crawled back, once. twice, again and again, his hands began to bleed, leaving crimson stains on the rocks behind him. A wind picked up and soon grew into a storm. I asked myself who this person was, and I instantly realized that this was Rev. Moon, and that the storm meant persecution. At that moment I cried out loudly in anguish. This is the man who has come to free humankind. I myself have been a witness to it. I became filled with indignation and intense pain, asking why those whom this very man came to heal persecute him so tremendously. In this state of heart I broke into stricken cries. And I cried, and cried, and cried. I felt a sharp pain tearing at my intestines, breaking my heart, as if there were a knife inside my body.

At this moment another surge of sadness came over me. I felt that God was so miserable and pitiful. I felt as if I could see the image of God, grieving and looking very shabby, walking with many righteous men. I felt intuitively that when the righteous men fell down, when Jesus was dying on the cross, and while watching Rev. Moon's suffering, God was weeping bitterly. With the image of that miserable God I wept once again. This was the first such experience I had ever had. Staring at the forsaken figure of Rev. Moon and of God in misery, I lamented for about an hour, unable to stop the stream of tears.

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